Welcome to Naturally, Nurse Joanie!
Ever wake up in the morning and wonder, "how the hell did I get here?" No, I'm not talking about waking up after a night of heavy drinking. You know what I mean: that dreaded ohmygosh-whatdididolastnight panic attack you have after night of hard partying. Don't smirk like that. We've all been there. Well, many of us have. No, I'm talking about waking up and thinking: The kids are grown? I'm divorced? I have a "real" job? I'm a nurse? In GRAD SCHOOL? Where's my house? My porch? My yard? The six burner dual fuel double oven range I got when we remodeled the kitchen? Where did all those years go? Am I really in my (late) 50s?
Right. THAT how-did-I-get-here moment.
This is how life used to be: I was a stay-at-home mom with a husband, four kids and two dogs. I breastfed the kids - even homeschooled for a few years. Volunteered in the community. Did the soccer mom thing. I made pasta, bread and yogurt. LOVED to cook great meals for my family. We had a garden. I had dinner, made from scratch, on the table every night - with dessert - and made sure the house was clean, and life was good for my husband and kids. Honestly, I loved it. Some people may want a "real" job, but I was happy keeping the home fires burning and brownies in the oven. Unfortunately, the marriage was rocky (a blog post for another time) and it was not in the cards for me to remain a stay-at-home mom/wife. Mind you, I didn't just wake up one day and decide that staying married wasn't for me. I worked HARD to keep it together. I cleaned more. Baked more. I tried to figure out if I wasn't pretty enough, fit enough, smart enough or didn't have enough sexiness for my husband. I prayed. I offered up novenas to St Monica, to The Blessed Mother. I agreed to move from our home (of 20 years) in Georgia to Ohio. I tried hard for a long long time - I had faith and knew if I just tried hard enough things would get better. I was really quite pissed off at God (and St Monica) that the answer to my prayers for a stable, happy marriage was a firm NO.
Did I mention I have a fear of abandonment? Could be why I tried so hard to keep an unhealthy relationship on life support for so long before I realized it was beyond repair and pulled the plug.
That's when I went back to school. To nursing school. I mean, what can one do with a 30 year old degree in PoliSci? Not much. Anyway, I went back to school when my 2 oldest kids were in college and my 2 younger ones (twins) were in high school. I went back to school AND had to learn the ropes of being a single mom of 2 teenagers. I was mad for a long time. It's not nice to turn 50 and be in divorce court in the same year. I had been married to my husband for literally half of my life. My home and family was my life! Now what? One day in rage of anger and self pity I demolished the half renovated kitchen I'd been left with. I cried and cursed, kicked and screamed so much it would put an unruly toddler to shame. I stayed very busy to try and ignore the pain. Wine helped numb the pain. Yoga helped me try and deal with it. Yet I was lost, floundering in a life I didn't recognize as mine. I was really depressed.
Thankfully I found meditation, yoga & a great therapist (yep, we'll get into that in another post).
Let's fast forward a bit. I graduated (Magna Cum Laude) from nursing school in 2012. My divorce was final in 2013 and we - - scratch that - - I sold the house and moved to Florida. Four months later I moved back to Ohio (a story of its own). I moved a total of 4 times in 2 years. I've had to learn what to do when the basement floods (hint: don't turn off the beeping thing in the basement it's probably the sump pump) (PS: the sump pump keeps the basement from flooding - hey I'm from Louisiana and had no idea what a sump pump was!). I had to learn how to install light fixtures; lay tile flooring, change the refrigerator water filter, trim the hedges, and grill steaks. I continued to kick, scream and cry because I had do to stuff my ex-husband used to take care of. Eventually I got over it though and learned to manage on my own.
Although I look back on my years as a stay-at-home mom/wife fondly, I know it wasn't a perfect life. The last few years were not happy ones. I had to move on. My friends and family supported me unfailingly as I traversed the 7th Circle of Hell and came out the other side. I heard all the cliche things like "it'll be ok in the end" and "everything happens for a reason" or "bloom where you are planted." Sometimes - many times - I wanted to punch the next person who told me stupid shit like that. In the end though, everything was ok, everything did happen for a reason, and you might as well bloom where you are planted, if for no other reason than it's more fun than withering on the vine.
Is life perfect now? Today, April 11, 2017? Far from it, but it's manageable. Financially I'm learning that not opening the bills doesn't mean they don't exist. Am I still depressed? Some days I am. I struggle but I know the triggers and I know it will pass. Do I have a man in my life? Let''s leave that for another day too - just know that I'd like to share my life with the right man but if it doesn't happen it's not the end of the world.
I'm getting my Master's Degree in Integrative Medicine and hope to one day have a health and wellness practice. To pay the bills I'm travel nursing which is ironic for a person who hates change, uncertainty, being alone, and moving (every three months). But what the hell. I keep telling myself it's an "opportunity for growth." If anything it's an opportunity to lean in to what makes me uncomfortable and learn how to deal with it (without downing a bottle of wine or reaching for a Xanax).
I hope you'll come back and visit as I explore what lies ahead......yoga, traveling, nursing, cooking, nutrition/health/wellness, relationships, and my most favorite job of all: being a mother/friend to all of my awesome kids.
Naturally, Nurse Joanie
Right. THAT how-did-I-get-here moment.
This is how life used to be: I was a stay-at-home mom with a husband, four kids and two dogs. I breastfed the kids - even homeschooled for a few years. Volunteered in the community. Did the soccer mom thing. I made pasta, bread and yogurt. LOVED to cook great meals for my family. We had a garden. I had dinner, made from scratch, on the table every night - with dessert - and made sure the house was clean, and life was good for my husband and kids. Honestly, I loved it. Some people may want a "real" job, but I was happy keeping the home fires burning and brownies in the oven. Unfortunately, the marriage was rocky (a blog post for another time) and it was not in the cards for me to remain a stay-at-home mom/wife. Mind you, I didn't just wake up one day and decide that staying married wasn't for me. I worked HARD to keep it together. I cleaned more. Baked more. I tried to figure out if I wasn't pretty enough, fit enough, smart enough or didn't have enough sexiness for my husband. I prayed. I offered up novenas to St Monica, to The Blessed Mother. I agreed to move from our home (of 20 years) in Georgia to Ohio. I tried hard for a long long time - I had faith and knew if I just tried hard enough things would get better. I was really quite pissed off at God (and St Monica) that the answer to my prayers for a stable, happy marriage was a firm NO.
Did I mention I have a fear of abandonment? Could be why I tried so hard to keep an unhealthy relationship on life support for so long before I realized it was beyond repair and pulled the plug.
That's when I went back to school. To nursing school. I mean, what can one do with a 30 year old degree in PoliSci? Not much. Anyway, I went back to school when my 2 oldest kids were in college and my 2 younger ones (twins) were in high school. I went back to school AND had to learn the ropes of being a single mom of 2 teenagers. I was mad for a long time. It's not nice to turn 50 and be in divorce court in the same year. I had been married to my husband for literally half of my life. My home and family was my life! Now what? One day in rage of anger and self pity I demolished the half renovated kitchen I'd been left with. I cried and cursed, kicked and screamed so much it would put an unruly toddler to shame. I stayed very busy to try and ignore the pain. Wine helped numb the pain. Yoga helped me try and deal with it. Yet I was lost, floundering in a life I didn't recognize as mine. I was really depressed.
Thankfully I found meditation, yoga & a great therapist (yep, we'll get into that in another post).
Let's fast forward a bit. I graduated (Magna Cum Laude) from nursing school in 2012. My divorce was final in 2013 and we - - scratch that - - I sold the house and moved to Florida. Four months later I moved back to Ohio (a story of its own). I moved a total of 4 times in 2 years. I've had to learn what to do when the basement floods (hint: don't turn off the beeping thing in the basement it's probably the sump pump) (PS: the sump pump keeps the basement from flooding - hey I'm from Louisiana and had no idea what a sump pump was!). I had to learn how to install light fixtures; lay tile flooring, change the refrigerator water filter, trim the hedges, and grill steaks. I continued to kick, scream and cry because I had do to stuff my ex-husband used to take care of. Eventually I got over it though and learned to manage on my own.
Although I look back on my years as a stay-at-home mom/wife fondly, I know it wasn't a perfect life. The last few years were not happy ones. I had to move on. My friends and family supported me unfailingly as I traversed the 7th Circle of Hell and came out the other side. I heard all the cliche things like "it'll be ok in the end" and "everything happens for a reason" or "bloom where you are planted." Sometimes - many times - I wanted to punch the next person who told me stupid shit like that. In the end though, everything was ok, everything did happen for a reason, and you might as well bloom where you are planted, if for no other reason than it's more fun than withering on the vine.
Is life perfect now? Today, April 11, 2017? Far from it, but it's manageable. Financially I'm learning that not opening the bills doesn't mean they don't exist. Am I still depressed? Some days I am. I struggle but I know the triggers and I know it will pass. Do I have a man in my life? Let''s leave that for another day too - just know that I'd like to share my life with the right man but if it doesn't happen it's not the end of the world.
I'm getting my Master's Degree in Integrative Medicine and hope to one day have a health and wellness practice. To pay the bills I'm travel nursing which is ironic for a person who hates change, uncertainty, being alone, and moving (every three months). But what the hell. I keep telling myself it's an "opportunity for growth." If anything it's an opportunity to lean in to what makes me uncomfortable and learn how to deal with it (without downing a bottle of wine or reaching for a Xanax).
I hope you'll come back and visit as I explore what lies ahead......yoga, traveling, nursing, cooking, nutrition/health/wellness, relationships, and my most favorite job of all: being a mother/friend to all of my awesome kids.
Naturally, Nurse Joanie
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